Secret Haters, Soft Bars & Pirate Grind Sessions: Summer House S9E7 Recap
Toe-Sucking, Threesomes, and The Lies, The Lies, THE LIES (being told).
Disclaimer: I used voice notes to describe & recap this episode. it's long winded but raw. It’s going to be reread this weekend for my podcast episode on Summer House. I love you, thanks for reading, please subscribe for my tv recaps & spirals for your entertainment.
The First 10 Minutes: Costumes, Dibs, and Delusion
Let me start this episode recap off by saying Ciara and Amanda had the best outfits.
Ciara LITERALLY built her entire costume by hand—again. She did it the last 2 seasons, and each time I’m impressed. GIVE HER A DIY SERIES.
I’d absolutely watch her make her costumes on IG Live or YouTube. Even if she had to wait a year to post photos, we’d still eat it up.
Now over to Jesse… who’s being Jesse.
When approached by women who ask if he’s single, Jesse says he’s “seeing someone” (obviously Lexi, who’s away with her family)—but moments earlier, he was going around asking them if they’re married.
They ask if he has a girlfriend, he says he’s “just making conversation with women who happen to have vaginas.” WHAT?
Meanwhile, Kyle is sitting in the dinghy waiting for Craig to come back—probably peeing and eating chips like the annoying little frat guy he always reverts to.
I’m actively skipping Carl’s scenes with that girl who had magic cards in her bag. He’s talking about Soft Bar (his non-out business), and she’s nodding like she cares. Carl says, “One of the most important things is that my partner believes in me and my ideas.”
OH BROTHERRRRRRR.
All this, and Lindsay’s not even there—she stayed in NYC with Turner and her family.
Jesse tries to play matchmaker and get Ciara and West to talk. West compliments her costume, Ciara says “cool” and keeps it pushing. Jesse sits down with Ciara and she says she “committed too much.” He asks, “To my boy?” insert whomp whomp.
While this happens, Craig is—surprise—eating chips, peeing, and doing everything but handling the issue with Kyle.
The camera pans back to Ciara and Jesse talking about West and whether the S8 trio can be salvaged. Ciara immediately hits him with a “F* No Baby!”**
She tells Jesse she feels like West talked her into liking him—which is wild because WHY would you go to Missouri to meet his parents, only for him to say at the reunion that he didn’t want to be seen as “Ciara’s puppet” and was worried about what fans at watch parties would think?? Bro, be serious.
West is just trying to dodge bad press. Instead, he made it worse.
So here’s Jesse—supposed to be mediating—and he abandons the mission to say, “Why didn’t you just try with me?”
HUH????
Ciara claps back with, “Why didn’t you try?”
Jesse: “Because West called dibs.”
This 31-year-old man just told Ciara he didn’t try because his friend called dibs… the first week they met.
Disclaimer: Jesse and West met the same weekend Ciara met West—Season 8, Episode 1.
Ciara hits him with a “don’t let whoever stop you from finding your wife,” and Jesse has the AUDACITY to ask:
“So you’re saying I shouldn’t let Lexi stop me from you?”
HELLO?????????????????
BTW, THIS IS STILL THE FIRST TEN MINUTES, GUYS.
Ciara, being sane, goes, “That’s not what I’m saying,” and Jesse kisses her hand like he’s Prince Charming. Ciara’s face gave “sir, huh?”
Maybe It’s Me… but this is the first time Jesse actually seems interested in Ciara. He was into Paige LAST YEAR.
Yes, they flirted—and even kissed once last summer after she asked West for permission to kiss Jesse. She even admits: last year was fair game. Jesse’s face drops like he just realized he fumbled (because he did). But now? She’s confused. She says her “head is in a pickle” (her words), and I felt that. Jesse, what are we doing right now?
Brother, what happened to helping West??
Let’s not forget: you were supposed to be talking to Ciara about fixing things with West, not trying to spark something with her on the low. Jesse… BE FOR REAL.
Apologies at Sea (11:08–18:23): The Dinghy Summit
Cut to Craig finally coming downstairs after peeing, eating chips, and bullshitting. Kyle’s still in the dinghy like his son. Craig on Southern Charm vs. Summer House = two different people. If you know, you know. The petty, messy, avoidant Craig just entered the villa.
Jesse and Ciara are literally a few feet away, now talking about Kyle and Craig. Jesse says, “Craig told me even if Kyle apologizes, it’s not enough unless he changes how he thinks.”
Cue flashback: 3 hours earlier, Craig tells Jesse and West he pulled Loverboy from all his stores and is “never drinking it again.” Dramatic much? You know Kyle’s gonna take that personal.
Kyle tells Craig he wants to get back to being cool—double dates, etc. Craig: “You made this into a thing.” Kyle: “You knew how much I poured into Loverboy and still moved like that.”
Craig: “You’re keeping money out of people’s pockets.”
Kyle: “No, I’m mad about how you did it.”
Craig says the deal doesn’t affect Loverboy. Kyle says it’s about transparency. Craig told him about the deal but didn’t say he went through with it. Kyle just wanted honesty. He even asked, “Can you wait a minute before you sign it?”
Craig: “It’s just business.”
Kyle: “That’s what shady people say.”
Both can be true.
Craig doesn’t feel bad. Kyle: “Fine.”
Then Craig: “You told the world I have a reputation for lying.”
Kyle: “Because you do.”
And… he’s not lying. Bravo could literally upload a 40-min “Craig’s Greatest Lies” compilation tomorrow. He even called himself “a lawyer and a storyteller.” Sir…
Let’s be clear, Kyle’s no angel either—he’s lied on camera too. But in this moment? Craig refuses to apologize and says: “Bitch, if you’re not sorry, we are not cool.”
And Kyle’s jaw was on the floor.
This felt like Craig trying to son Kyle—making him wait in the raft and then dropping a cold “we’re done.” Kyle hates feeling disrespected.
Kyle says, “Do you not understand how devastated I was?” Craig, unbothered Aquarius energy, goes: “You threw the first punch. You could’ve taken a breath.”
Amanda’s watching like a stressed-out middle school teacher at recess. She wants peace, but her man loves drama.
Kyle stammers: “I apologize for calling you a liar. I need to work on how I react.” (Sir, you’re almost 42.)
Craig accepts the apology. Kyle’s like, “I care about us. I care about our girls. I didn’t want things to be weird.” Craig admits he didn’t know how to fix it. They hug. In the dinghy.
Kyle says he wants to support Craig’s business again. So they squash it… for now.
Meanwhile...
Carl asks Jesse to take a photo with lemur-door girl. Ciara’s like, “I gotta get out of this outfit.” SAME. I would too if a man pitched his soft bar biz mid-pirate party.
Gabby looks so good as Halle Berry. Craig—after swearing off Loverboy—immediately tries a spritz the second Kyle offers one.
Craig: “Wait, this isn’t tea??”
Kyle: “I’m not lying.”
Craig: “Oh cool, let me try!”
Sir… what happened to the boycott???
Anyway, the party’s popping. Ciara’s eyeliner is still snatching souls. Craig’s sipping Loverboy like nothing happened. Business feud who?
Pirate Party Chaos: Shark Suits, Soft Bars, and Polly the Mermaid (13:00–16:00ish)
Ciara changed out of her original costume but still has the eyeliner on and looks so damn good in her new pirate fit. Her face card? Never declines. We get a random bit about a mermaid named Polly, and Paige goes,
“Be nice to her. She likes french fries and crackers.”
Then Real Estate Broker Imrul Hassan chimes in with,
“I met a girl named Polly at Burning Man. You can’t tell if someone’s saying they’re named Polly or if they’re poly,”
and someone else responds,
“Okay orgy beast.”
Orgy Beast is the name Imrul earned after being at a sex party the weekend prior and then he’s also been bringing back women to the house which people are giving him too much shit for.
Kyle says, “Do you not understand how devastated I was?” Craig, unbothered Aquarius energy, goes: “You threw the first punch. You could’ve taken a breath.”
Amanda’s watching like a stressed-out middle school teacher at recess. She wants peace, but her man loves drama. Kyle stammers: “I apologize for calling you a liar. I need to work on how I react.” (Sir, you’re almost 42.)
Craig accepts the apology. Kyle’s like, “I care about us. I care about our girls. I didn’t want things to be weird.” Craig admits he didn’t know how to fix it. They hug. In the dinghy.
Kyle says he wants to support Craig’s business again. So they squash it… for now.
Meanwhile...
Carl asks Jesse to take a photo with lemur-door girl. Ciara’s like, “I gotta get out of this outfit.” SAME. I would too if a man pitched his soft bar biz mid-pirate party.
Gabby looks so good as Halle Berry. Craig—after swearing off Loverboy—immediately tries a spritz the second Kyle offers one.
Craig: “Wait, this isn’t tea??”
Kyle: “I’m not lying.”
Craig: “Oh cool, let me try!”
Sir… what happened to the boycott???
Anyway, the party’s popping. Ciara’s eyeliner is still snatching souls. Craig’s sipping Loverboy like nothing happened. Business feud who?
Kyle’s behind the booth, people are throwing booty on the dance floor, and then Ciara’s in the corner with Carl, asking,
“Yo, what’s up with that girl you’re talking to?”
Carl’s like, “I got a date with her,”
and Ciara says, “Where y’all going?”
He goes, “I don’t know.”
😐
Then Carl hits her with,
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this excited for anything in your life,”
and Ciara goes,
“Well I wasn’t jumping up and down like this for your wedding, that’s for damn sure.”
That line was not a dig at Lindsay. That was just facts. Looking back, Carl and Lindsay were not going to last. They were on track to divorce within a year, max. But the way Carl ended it… still up for debate.
As a viewer, I’m lowkey glad he ended it on camera— thank you for the content. But if I were Lindsay? I’d be furious. Imagine thinking everything is fine and then boom—public breakup, cameras rolling, no heads-up. Nah. That’s a wrap on any friendship after that. There’s no coming back from that. She redecorated the whole apartment for a reason.
back to the party.
Some girl sees Jesse Solomon and another guy in matching captain uniforms and goes,
“I think Jesse Solomon’s hot.”
Jesse immediately clocks it and asks,
“Whose girlfriend are you?”
Sir??? Haaaave we forgot about Lexi? 😭
Craig and Amanda are watching Jesse and West run around like puppies, and Craig’s like,
“It’s kind of funny.”
Amanda asks why and Craig goes,
“I don’t know. Like little kids chasing shiny objects.”
And honestly? Not wrong.
Then West hits a random split on the dance floor like it’s Step Up: Hamptons Edition, and Amanda says it best:
“They forget they’re at these parties sometimes.”
Cut to a flashback from two hours earlier: Jesse and Craig are talking about dating, and Jesse’s like,
“How do you graduate from being cool with hot girls everywhere… to just being done?”
And Craig says the most Craig thing ever:
“You date your number one. The girl you’d cheat on your girlfriend with. That’s who you wait for. Until you meet that girl, don’t date anyone.”
????
WHATTTT.
I had to think about this but what I THINK CRAIG IS TRYING TO SAY IS
"Only commit when you meet someone who makes you not even want to look at anyone else—even the woman you’d risk it all for."
So when he says:
"You date your number one. The girl you’d cheat on your girlfriend with."
He's not literally saying cheat. He's saying you wait to date until you meet someone who would’ve been the temptation in another relationship—but now she’s your person.
Translation:
"Don't settle. Date the one who makes everyone else irrelevant."
But the phrasing? INSANE. Craig, Why are we bringing cheating into this like it’s a benchmark of emotional maturity?
Sir, there are so many ways to say “date the person who makes you forget about everyone else” that don’t involve fictional infidelity.💀
Bed Bugs & Breakdowns (18:23–26:18): Paige, Ciara, and the Secret Hater Theory
We’re back from the commercial break, and Ciara is taking Instagram-worthy pics of Gabby by the pool, while Paige is already heading up the stairs to bed like the OG bedbug queen she is. And I gotta say—Paige’s outfit? She looked good, but I did clock that you could see her whole behind in that little number. No notes. She knew what she was doing.
As Ciara wanders up to the house, Craig turns to Amanda and hits her with the Did you know I’ve always liked Ciara? And Amanda’s like, “Yeah, I asked you that.” Cut to Ciara upstairs saying,
“I’m not a homie hopper.”
To which Craig (who literally just said he’s always liked her) goes, “They both have reasons for not being together, and they’re both bullshit.”
Amanda agrees. “I want them to hook up so badly.”
Ciara finds Paige in bed and says she loves knowing exactly where she’ll be. And yep, Paige confirms she had to take off her shoes before bed. Queen of routine.
Back downstairs, Amanda is still trying to plot this love connection with Craig like,
“What are we gonna do about it? This is not nothing, they clearly like each other.”
Craig’s caught off guard and agrees—he didn’t expect it either. These two are acting like matchmaking a situationship is a group project.
Then it cuts to Kyle, who casually mentions he caught Jesse and Ciara looking “pretty chummy,” and warns that he's going to be making shark references all night. (Because of his inflatable shark suit. Lord help us.)
Then we’re in bed with Paige and Ciara, debriefing. Ciara shares that Jesse was like,
“I’ve been seeing it for a while.”
And Ciara's like, “Was that all about Lexi?” Plot twist: they barely talked about her. Paige is shook.
Meanwhile outside: chaos.
Someone is trying to open a bottle of Hampton Water for someone's mom and yells,
“Just dicks out, trying to open Hampton Water!”
So apparently West is peeing somewhere nearby? Men. Just peeing in the bushes while life-changing convos are happening upstairs.
Then we hard-cut to Carl—unfortunately—on the deck with Lemur Girl, talking about how it’s really nice to “have a new start with his own voice.” immediate eyeroll.
Oh Brother, this guy stinks! .
He mentions how his past relationship was full of ups and downs and then says,
“She got pregnant in the bed I paid for… in the apartment I paid for.”
HELLO?! DID HE REALLY SAY THAT ON CAMERA?
Meanwhile, in NYC, Lindsay & her bump is in their apartment, peacefully saging her home.
She shows us where the nursery is going. She claims she smells weed, unsure if it’s sage, but she’s rolling with it. (see what I did there?)
She’s stress-free, showing off the second bedroom she transformed from breakup graveyard to nursery prep zone.
Lindsay tells us in her confessional that she got rid of all the furniture from the breakup—including the pull-out couch and dresser—to make space for the nursery. She’s glowing. She’s grounded. She’s reclaiming the energy of her space. It’s giving rebirth.
She’s stress-free, showing off the second bedroom she transformed from breakup graveyard to nursery prep zone.
“I got rid of the couch he broke up with me on.”
“I got rid of the dresser that reminded me of him.”
She’s resetting her whole life.
She’s pregnant. She’s having a baby girl. And last summer? She was supposed to be getting married. This summer? She’s letting go.
“I still have a hard time looking him in the eyes.”
But she also says she’s done with that phase of her life.“I have no FOMO. I don’t miss the party. I was the party. I came up with Shipwrecked.”
Talk your shit, Linds.
Her aunt Rhonda shows up and they talk a little, but I’m still stuck on Carl saying that out loud on national television. Like, boy. That woman is out here trying to heal, and you’re minimizing her pregnancy and relationship to a bed frame and rent receipt? Stop.
She literally says she doesn’t have FOMO about missing the party, and she’s the one who came up with the Shipwrecked party theme! Also, the shade continues:
“Carl is the most non-creative guy I’ve ever met. He stole all my ideas while we were together.” My jaw was on the floor! Lindsay said that on camera.
Whatever hopes I had for a post-breakup friendship immediately disappeared. They are NOT cool. Got it!
Paige (out loud):
“Am I dating a secret hater?”
Ciara:
“Hater. Hater. Hater.”
“That is a hater-ass boyfriend.”
Paige:
“He makes me pay the price for his insecurities.”
We’ve all been there. It’s exhausting.
Ciara closes it with:
“This is all him. You’ve been the correct show this whole time—and now he’s making you question it.”
Then… knock knock.
Craig: “Am I interrupting anything?”
Yes, Craig. You're interrupting a moment of clarity.
Pirates, Dancing, and a Flopped Backflip (26:28–37:40)
Back at the Shipwrecked party and it’s chaos. Carl’s watching Lemur Girl do the worm (weird), Kyle’s in the shark suit acting like a toddler, and Carl tries a backflip and eats it—hilarious.
Craig walks in on Ciara and Paige. Paige hits him with a dry “No” and says she wants to go home to see her cat. Classic bed bug vibes. Outside, Amanda’s trying to rally the group while Craig’s looking for his phone. Paige pulls Amanda aside about the “secret hater” convo. She’s spiraling.
8:26 PM: Kyle’s DJing, Ciara and Jesse are grinding. And girl… that was not just friendly dancing. Jesse’s stealing her pirate hat mid-dance. Amanda sees it: 👀.
Ciara keeps saying “I would never,” but you are. The whines were slow. The thighs were thighing. Meanwhile, West is off flapping like a seagull with a Loverboy.
Debrief time. Amanda jokes, “Where’s Jesse’s other half?” (aka West). West puts Ciara’s feet on his lap, Paige dares him to suck toes. West’s like, “She’d have to ask.”
Kyle wedges himself in, says “Yes I know I’m big,” and… okay?
Imrul asks Carl if he wants to go out. Amanda asks Paige about West, Paige says “I know,” and Amanda says it’s sad West is this uncomfortable.
West snaps a little:
“I’ve been nice, respectful, and she’s saying I used her. Stop villainizing me because it didn’t work.”
Valid. Jesse didn’t help. Ciara’s still hurt. Triangle remains a mess.
Late Night Shenanigans (37:47–51:00): Toes, Threesomes, and Naked Confessions
West has had it. He’s been polite all summer and now he’s pissed.
“I haven’t said anything rude. She’s telling people I used her? Stop dragging my name through the mud.”
He gets why she’s hurt—but that doesn’t make her version true.
Meanwhile, Jesse is FaceTiming Lexi from the bathroom, saying:
“I jerked off before the party so I wouldn’t miss you.”
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
Lexi says she still missed him. He recaps the Ciara drama, says “Promise we’ll never be like that,” and Lexi’s like “We won’t.” Okay girl.
He tells Lexi how “great” Ciara is. Lexi’s cool with it. But Ciara’s a Gemini. It will never be chill.
When Gabby says, “Lexi’s better than a foursome,” West responds, “That means a lot.” He wants Gabby to let Lexie know he said that.
West has had it. He’s been polite all summer and now he’s pissed.
“I haven’t said anything rude. She’s telling people I used her? Stop dragging my name through the mud.”
He gets why she’s hurt—but that doesn’t make her version true.
Meanwhile, Jesse is FaceTiming Lexi from the bathroom, saying:
“I jerked off before the party so I wouldn’t miss you.”
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
Lexi says she still missed him. He recaps the Ciara drama, says “Promise we’ll never be like that,” and Lexi’s like “We won’t.” Okay girl.
He tells Lexi how “great” Ciara is. Lexi’s cool with it. But Ciara’s a Gemini. It will never be chill.
7:49 PM. Pirate party still going. Carl’s watching Lemur Girl do the worm. Kyle’s DJing in a shark suit. Ciara’s in her second outfit. Icon.
Ciara and Jesse grinding again. Amanda catches it. Ciara’s like “I would never.” Girl, come on. West’s in the corner flapping and sipping. Jesse tells West:
“I ripped my pants.” Then: “I wasn’t hating, I was defending your honor!” Sir?
Amanda tells West she feels bad. He snaps:
“I’ve been nice, and she’s dragging my name. I didn’t use her. It just didn’t work.”
He’s fed up. I get both sides—Ciara’s hurt, West is over it. But dude, stop trying to smash in the same house.
Jesse’s FaceTiming Lexi again, telling her about jerking off before the party. Lexi smiles. Jesse says he had fun with Ciara. Lexi’s like, “That’s great!” Girl, please.
1:30 AM, Imrul returns with two 29-year-olds. He covers the camera but fails. Full threesome on Bravo. Naked naked. Bravo Legal is on speed dial.
1:51 AM: Craig wakes Paige.
2:07 AM: Jesse and West are back, eating.
2:18 AM: Carl walks in on Imrul mid-underwear moment. Jesse tells Amanda,
“I’m about to go look at the girls Imrul brought.”
Then: “I was in there for 37 minutes.” SIR?
At 7:00 a.m., the sun is up. Imrul is in bed, phone in hand, grinning. Jesse slinks out of Lexi’s room like the slimeball he is. West is wandering around barefoot in the kitchen. Jesse, for some reason, tells the producer:
“I got my toe sucked last night.”
And the producer is like, “Why’d you take your socks off?”
Jesse lies and says, “I walked in there barefoot.”
Producer: “No you didn’t.”
Caught again. Jesse is so unserious. He says:
“I’ve never had my toe sucked before.” THEN PROCEEDS,to say in the room with imrul and the two girls while getting his toe sucked, “I was hard.”
Yup. He said that. On camera.
Meanwhile, Craig is knocking Paige’s phone out of her hand in bed, Gabby is texting while looking stunning poolside, and Amanda and Jesse are both saying they feel nauseous. Gabby says:
“I hate that for you.”
Gabby starts asking about the night before, trying to piece it together like Bravo’s resident Nancy Drew. Jesse won’t say what happened in Imrul’s room, but Amanda fills in the blanks and is like:
“How did you just walk in on a threesome like that?”
Gabby: SCREAMING.
Toes were sucked. Feelings were hurt. Boundaries were crossed. And Imrul showed his whole ass.
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